Learning to Be Kind to Yourself When You’ve Always Been Hard on Yourself
“If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now”.
Many of us speak to ourselves in ways we’d never dream of speaking to someone we love.
That quiet, critical voice in your head might tell you you’re not doing enough, you’re not smart enough, that you should be coping better, that you don’t deserve good things, that you’ve somehow failed. Over time, it can feel like no matter what you do, it’s never quite enough and it gets exhausting.
We rationalise being hard on ourselves with things like “it motivates me” or “I just want to be the best version of myself”. I’ll bring you back to the quote at the being - “if being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now”. What if you tried something different?
Learning to be kind to yourself isn’t about ignoring mistakes or pretending everything is fine. It’s about building a new relationship with yourself. A kinder one. One rooted in understanding, gentleness, and compassion.
Why We’re Hard on Ourselves
First - it’s important to understand why you’re so hard on yourself. For many people, self-criticism began as a way to cope.
Perhaps you grew up in an environment where love or approval felt conditional. Maybe you only received praise when you got a good grade, or won sometimes at school sports day. Or maybe being hard on yourself felt like the only way to stay motivated or in control when life felt uncertain.
At one point, this inner critic served a purpose. It might have helped you push through difficult times, avoid rejection, or meet the expectations of others. But over time, what once protected you starts to limit you. That harsh inner voice can become a barrier to peace, connection, and self-worth. Never trying new things because you’re scared you won’t be good at them. Never going for that dream job because you think you won’t get it. Never reaching out to friends because you don’t want to be seen as “too much”.
It’s important to remember: you weren’t born this way. Self-criticism often grows out of a deep longing to feel safe, accepted, and “enough”. BUT - what served you at one part in your life is no longer serving you, and you have the power and ability to change that.
Small Steps to Practise Self-Kindness
Change doesn’t happen overnight, but small, consistent moments of gentleness add up over time, and will begin to feel more and more normal.
Here are a few ways to start:
1. Notice Your Inner Voice
Begin by paying attention to how you speak to yourself. You don’t have to change it straight away — just notice. Awareness is the first step toward change.
2. Pause and Reframe
When you catch your inner critic taking over, pause and ask, “Would I say this to someone I love?” If not, what would a kinder response sound like?
3. Offer Yourself Comfort
You might place a hand on your chest, take a slow breath, or remind yourself, “It’s okay to find this hard.” These small gestures tell your body you’re safe.
4. Acknowledge Effort, Not Just Outcomes
Celebrate progress no matter how small! Showing up, trying again, choosing to care are all things to celebrate. Kindness grows when we start noticing what’s already good, not just what’s missing.
5. Seek Support
Sometimes it helps to have a space where you can explore where that harsh voice began, and learn new ways to relate to yourself. Counselling can help you do that gently and at your own pace.
If you’ve spent years being hard on yourself, kindness can feel weird and uncomfortable. You might notice a part of you resisting it, or feel undeserving of gentleness.
That’s okay.
Your nervous system has learned to find familiarity in criticism, even when it hurts. It takes time for your body and mind to trust a different way of relating to yourself. The discomfort isn’t a sign you’re failing; it’s a sign you’re healing.
Being kind to yourself isn’t a destination; it’s a practice.
It begins in the quiet moments. When you choose compassion, even just a little, even just for a moment, towards yourself.
Try it - it might work!
