People Pleasing - A blessing or a curse?
Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” when every part of you wanted to say “no”? Maybe you go out of your way to keep everyone around you happy, even if it leaves you exhausted, resentful, or quietly disappointed in yourself. On the surface, people pleasing can look like kindness, flexibility, or being a “good person.” But is it really a blessing, or can it become a quiet curse in your everyday life?
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is when we put other people’s needs, wants, or comfort ahead of our own, even when it’s at a cost to ourselves. It might look like always volunteering to help, avoiding conflict at any price, saying yes to something you don’t want to do, or constantly checking if people are upset with you. People pleasers often appear easy-going and agreeable, but beneath the surface, it can feel like walking on eggshells, constantly afraid of letting others down.
Why do we people please?
Human’s aren’t born “people pleasers” - it’s a trait we develop over time. It often comes from old messages we picked up growing up – messages like “Don’t be selfish,” “Be a good girl/boy,” or “Don’t upset others.” In Transactional Analysis, these are called injunctions (unspoken rules we carry) and these injunctions lead us to adopt our drivers (inner pushes like “Please others,” “Be perfect,” or “Hurry up”). So, for example, if we’ve been told “don’t be selfish”, our behaviour then becomes driven to “please others”.
People pleasing becomes a strategy for safety and connection. It can be a way to avoid feeling rejected, criticised, or alone. It once helped us stay connected in our families or social groups, but as adults, it can leave us stuck in patterns of giving too much, saying yes too quickly, or hiding our true feelings to keep the peace.
How to overcome people pleasing (and why this doesn’t make you a bad person)
It’s natural to care about others. But it’s just as important to care about yourself. Overcoming people pleasing isn’t about becoming selfish or cold-hearted; it’s about finding balance so your needs and boundaries matter too.
Start small:
Pause before saying “yes” to requests.
Check in with yourself: “Do I really want to do this?”
Practise saying “no” kindly (Eg. “I really appreciate the offer, but no thank you”).
Notice the guilt that may arise and remind yourself that setting boundaries doesn’t make you bad, rude, or uncaring.
You are allowed to be yourself - your wants and needs matter. By stepping out of automatic people-pleasing, you create space for real, honest connections, rather than relationships built on quiet resentment or fear. Plus - you’re being more true to yourself in the process!
So, is people pleasing a blessing or a curse? It can feel like a blessing in the moment, keeping things smooth and others happy, but in the long run, it can be a curse that costs your energy, joy, and sense of self. The good news is you don’t have to throw away your kindness or care for others to step out of people-pleasing patterns. You can still be a caring person while also being someone who values their own needs and boundaries.
You deserve relationships where you don’t have to perform or please to be loved. Learning to let go of people pleasing can feel scary, but it’s a brave step towards living more honestly, fully, and freely.
